‘Irrespective of whether the dispute is with anyone…life partner, family member, friend or colleague…it often seems that the other person is the reason for the dispute. Author Jefferson Fisher says, ‘We are all ‘difficult people’ sometimes.’ The challenge is not in accepting it, but in recognizing yourself. According to experts, some signs indicate that you are unknowingly escalating the dispute. It is important to understand these, so that the conversation remains on the issue and not on allegations. Know how you can recognize these signs… Deviating from the real issue, using words like ‘always’ or ‘never’ in an argument with your spouse derails the conversation. According to Fisher, these words suppress the real issue and open up the ‘timeline’ of old things. Therapist Atali Abramovichi says that such harsh words make the other person defensive. Instead of making allegations, focus on the specific incident or fact. The dispute gets resolved instead of escalating. Attack on identity: During debates, statements like ‘You are lazy’ are attacks on identity. Atali says, ‘Injury to identity makes a person alienate instead of connecting. Instead of placing blame, express feelings, like – I felt bad when you interrupted me. One cannot argue with emotions. Keeping Accounts Do you also remember whose house you visited last Diwali or who paid the electricity bill? “Running relationships like accounting makes it cumbersome,” says Fisher. By keeping score we feel inferior. The goal should not be to ‘be proven right’, but to ‘be a team’. Strictness in behavior Psychologist Harriet Lerner says, ‘If friends think before inviting you to a party or family members weigh their words before talking, then understand that they are afraid of your reaction. This is a sign that your behavior has become harsh. Different standards suggest Fisher’s test. If you are late then there is a reason – there was traffic. There was work. But if someone else is late, you consider him careless, so this is a double standard. We rationalize our behavior. Judge the same behavior of others. This also happens in debate. He brushes off his sharp tone by calling it ‘mood’. If someone else says so, they feel bad. Defensive Posture Defensive posture eliminates engagement. Instead of immediately saying ‘but’ when you hear criticism, listen to the other person. Even if you agree 2%, take that much responsibility and apologize. Listen to them first, give clarification later.
Source link
We unknowingly increase conflict and blame others: Stop insisting on changing others, recognize the harshness within you: Expert
