Accepting Help in Relationships is a Feeling, Not a Favor

N. Raghuraman, Management Guru

This Sunday, just imagine how many times your mother would have offered to send your favorite pickle to her friend? You may also remember your reasoning for refusing, ‘Mom, I can buy it here for cheaper than the shipping cost. And please, don’t send your friend to my office, she scans the entire environment. If you had seen mother’s face, you would have seen her glow diminishing. She remains sad even after hanging up the phone. She says softly, ‘A lot has changed.’ Then she prays to her deity to keep you healthy. She keeps the jar aside and hopes that by some miracle it reaches you.

Father comes and says, ‘Then you refused?’ Everything is available in Mumbai. Wiping her face with her saree, she talks about bad oil and pesticides. No one realized that she was also wiping tears. You have no idea what the cost of that denial is. By rejecting their gesture, you not only reject the food but also their importance. They feel that they are no longer needed, that they have gone away. For them, this distance of feelings is more than a distance of kilometers.

They remember those two decades when you didn’t eat food without them. That child used to ask for his food, today’s man says – ‘I will manage’. She sends pickles not on your request, but to feel her importance. And each ‘I will manage’ diminishes this feeling.

The point is not about organic lemons, but about their role in your life. The friend of yours who was sending the message whom you dislike, is ‘Sanjay’ of Mahabharata for her. She will accurately tell them everything that mother wants to know about you. Maybe he might even ask, ‘Is there any good girl for him there?’

I realized this late, so don’t repeat my mistake. Accepting small favors is not about your needs, but about making your loved ones feel valued. Mom can’t take away the stress from your office or dating rejection, but she knows her food will definitely give you some relief. So, let them do it. When my mother was no more, I missed those pickle calls and that taste a lot. She was such a soul who knew how to give – be it papad or pickle, but never even asked for a saree. I did not repeat this mistake with father.

Despite the high salary, he would give me money saying ‘I will be useful’. I also never refused, so that he felt that he still had a say in my expenses. In 2008, when I was about to buy a house in Nashik, he emptied his account and gave me Rs 71 thousand. Even though that amount was less, it became ‘Akshayapatra’ for me. I didn’t have to borrow to buy a house. Even today, when we think of selling that house, his love and his role as an elder stops us. As if he is still around.

This brings to mind Benjamin Franklin’s tenure in the Pennsylvania Legislature (1785–88). He did not offer any help that he could in winning over a staunch opponent. Instead asked him for a rare book. The opponent agreed and both became lifelong friends. This is human psychology. When people do something for you, they convince themselves that they like you.

The bottom line is that One should accept the help of loved ones not for the sake of favor, but to maintain the feeling of love and care in the relationship.

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