During my travels, often when I saw my sister’s name on the phone, I would get nervous and run to pick up the phone. Because my sister used to take care of my ailing father during my travels. She lived in Mumbai and was a housewife. When his call came, it was like an uncontrolled wave, which makes the ground slip from under your feet and takes you into a whirlpool of water and sand. This is the reality of caring for elderly relatives – a wave of financial decisions and caregiving problems that leaves you struggling to keep up. My father used to do all his work very well, but then one day he could not do it. Then we, son and daughter, took turns taking care of him round the clock. Family caregivers are the backbone of any healthcare system, especially in a country like ours. Yet this unpaid labor often goes unnoticed. Even before my sister could say hello, my question would be, ‘Is everything okay?’ And when she would just say ‘hmm’ I would understand her tiredness. I know that taking care of the elderly is difficult, because I have taken care of my parents along with my father-in-law, who passed away two years ago. This work requires both courage and humility. There were days when I felt like screaming, and I screamed too. Many times, work had to be done which was very personal – like bathing the parents. Your eyes well up because you know he’s embarrassed to accept such help from a child he once bathed and diapered. I was reminded of that same caregiving fatigue on Monday, when I downloaded Beth Pinsker’s book, My Mother’s Money: A Guide to Financial Caregiving, on my Kindle. In this he has narrated the journey of taking care of his sick mother. This is an extremely practical handbook for adults dealing with the financial and emotional complexities of elder care. It provides easy-to-follow estimates of the cost of care, including templates for budgeting long-term expenses. This reminded me of an experience with my father-in-law, in which I asked him something which is not easy for a son-in-law. I said, ‘I want to prepare an emergency kit for you, which can be useful to you if needed. Can I see your papers, keep some things together, examine nominations in society papers and documents related to bank accounts? So that there is clarity among your children. He happily gave me the password and the cupboard keys. Then I was able to organize everything. Because I’ve been through that, I felt this book was more real. Instead of useless bookish facts, it covers the ‘complex human experience’ of caring for the elderly. If you ask who should read this book, I would say it should be read by the ‘sandwich generation’ who have to handle the responsibilities of parenting during sudden health crises and whose children are studying or working abroad or, like my children, have married and settled there. If you are in your 40s or 50s and your parents are getting older, this book can be an invaluable source of advice before an emergency. In one line of the book that made me think about my old age, the author says that her mother had 12 nail cutters. I started wondering what my daughter would think if I had 12 razors. The bottom line is that if you see someone among your relatives or friends who is performing double responsibilities as a caregiver to his elders, then you should at least give him such books. This will guide them to navigate their complex life easily.
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N. Raghuraman’s column: Managing the money and health of the elderly is a challenging responsibility
