This was the year 1978. ‘Angry young man’ Amitabh Bachchan dominated the dark theaters of India in blockbuster films like ‘Don’, ‘Trishul’ and ‘Muqaddar Ka Sikandar’. But at the age of 18.5, the real drama for me was not happening on the silver screen, but in the drawing room of the house. Just two days after getting my first salary, father made me sit next to him. There was no celebratory atmosphere. He said, ‘Now the responsibility of the family is yours. I have to focus on saving for your sister’s wedding.’ Just then my dream of getting Mumbai local first class quarterly pass and a new shiny watch was shattered. Those ‘blockbuster’ years of mine were spent repairing broken items, painting and fixing up the rented house. Father’s mantra was- ‘Your salary, you are the boss.’ It felt like a burden to me at the time, but five decades later, when I look back, I realize that burden was actually a great lesson. He instilled financial wisdom in me by making me make mistakes with my money. After two years, I not only watched films, but I also understood the value of every rupee even before the responsibilities started. Now we come to the present and talk about Jaipur. A mother there wrote to me that her heart was heavy due to the ongoing conflicts at home. Her husband wants their 18-year-old son, who started his first job a month ago, to pay the house rent and share the electricity and internet bills. She asks, ‘Aren’t we being greedy? Nowadays children study in school till the age of 25. Shouldn’t we let them celebrate life for some time? It’s an old dilemma between nurturing and enabling. The mother sees the son as the one who should have a ‘honeymoon phase’ to enjoy his first earnings. Whereas the father considers him an adult, who should understand that ‘Internet’ is not a free facility but a part of the budget. I wrote to him, ‘I am sure that your husband did not have a difficult childhood nor does he come from a greedy family. Surely he wants to give his son valuable experience in budget management. Not just for his desires, but also to pay the bills, which is a responsibility of adult life. Explaining such complexities in a safe manner will not only give your son experience in budgeting, but also in taking care of and completing various financial responsibilities. Consider, if he is late in payment the consequences will not be the same as if he misses the actual bill. There, in case of mobile, there will be a heavy fine or in case of electricity, the service will be stopped. Such experience given gradually is like training the youth for the future while being supportive. My advice is that this conversation between the three of you should be done in a cooperative spirit, not as a punishment. Money psychotherapists and family experts are also in favor of giving ‘learning’ instead of ‘luxury’. He suggests that accepting contributions from an earning adult does not mean parents need the money, but is a matter of financial prudence. Many parents take rent, but deposit the money in a savings account or fixed deposit. Later, when the child builds a separate house, the same rent is returned to him as a surprise down payment or emergency fund. In 1978, I missed the first show of the film ‘Kasme-Vaade’ because I was adjusting the chair. Today that son from Jaipur might miss his weekend outing because he is paying the Wi-Fi bill. The bottom line is that the best ‘celebration’ that parents can give to their child is not free facilities, but the confidence that he can live his life on his own.
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N. Raghuraman’s Column: What do you want to give your adult child – learning or luxury
