For generations, Indian parents have been telling their daughters to study hard, dream big, become something in life. But as the age of marriage approaches, this message changes. After this they suddenly start expecting them to learn to compromise! I’ve seen this script play out many times. How many talented girls who dreamed of becoming doctors, entrepreneurs, artists, academics suddenly disappear after college – and sometimes even before completing their studies. They would get married. Career is not an essential option for them. Economic self-reliance was considered unnecessary. All her ambitions could be summed up in one designer lehenga! Her identity would be limited to three words – wife, mother and daughter-in-law. It is important to clarify here that this is not an argument against arranged marriages. Millions of such marriages are happy, loving and successful today. But here we are speaking against a form of arranged marriage that mistakes obedience for virtue, compliance for consent and duty for desire. There has been a massive change in India in the last few decades. Women are topping the merit lists of universities, leading companies, commanding fighter aircraft squadrons, building unicorn companies and lobbying effectively in the Supreme Court. We trust them with important decisions, but we still don’t trust them to decide on choosing a life partner. The questions are still the same: What will people say? Is the boy from the right community? Will the girl be able to adjust? How often do we ask a girl what she wants? Take the recent case of Siya Goyal. Sia’s crime cannot be defended in any way, but the incident has forced many of us to confront some uncomfortable questions. That is, what happens when women feel that they do not have power over one of the biggest decisions of their lives? What are the emotional consequences of living a life designed primarily to meet family expectations? We cannot afford to ask these questions after a tragedy has occurred. We will have to ask them before the marriage is finalized. Because we are now seeing a generation of women for whom consent does not just mean saying ‘yes’ on the wedding day. For them, consent means having the freedom to say ‘no’ without emotional pressure, social exclusion or lifelong guilt. Having the freedom to decide whether to marry, when to marry, and with whom. And yes, these are not Western ideas, these are human ideas! The irony is that we invest years in our daughters’ education, encouraging them to think independently, to compete on the big stage. But as soon as it comes to marriage, independent thinking suddenly starts being considered rebellion. The problem is not with the arranged marriage itself. The problem lies in the fact that we have modernized almost everything except the institution of marriage. But marriage should not be a reward for obedience. That must be the result of an independent decision. Families can still introduce future spouses to each other. The society can still celebrate its traditions. Culture can still persist. But when a tradition starts suppressing an individual’s freedom instead of enriching it, then change becomes necessary. The strongest relationships are not those based on family pressure or social responsibility. They are those that are based on two people freely choosing each other. The problem is not with the arranged marriage itself. The problem lies in the fact that we have modernized almost everything except the institution of marriage. But marriage should not be a mere reward for obedience. It must be the result of an individual’s independent decision. (These are the author’s own views)
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Meghna Pant’s column: The system of arranged marriages needs an ‘upgrade’
